25 things you could probably go your whole life without knowing about me

numero uno: I just ran my first half marathon in October. I finished it.I could’ve walked it faster than I ran it. I am a turtle.

number 2: I used to dress up as the bee mascot for our local radio station. That was awesome. it was really hot in the costume, so I just wore underwear…that was, until I got knocked over at a hockey game and showed my ass-literally-to a group of preteen boys that were messing with me. Yeah, after that, the gig was up.

#3: I was chosen at a hockey game to try and win a car at half time by hitting 5 pucks into a net in one minute. Needless to say, I left the game still driving my 1991 shit brown honda accord and a bruised hip.

#4:I am not scared to go out in public in my pajamas. 

#5: I once chose to get a colonic cleanse instead of rewarding myself with an ice cream cone for a big sale I made. I really thought it would help me lose some more weight. Instead, it jarred my system and I had to go through a different kind of “cleanse” 2 weeks later. 

#6: I was knocked out cold by a door hinge at a local bar one night (Woodchuck’s).  You could’ve drawn my chalk outline around me…

#7 You can always gauge how much wine I have had by how purple my teeth are

#8 I can only drink red wine in the winter…but I make up for the summer months during this time–don’t you worry!

#9 Although this may surprise you all, I drive a flipping mini van…enough said..but I am hot driving it

#10 I have stage fright in public bathrooms and when I go on trips.

#11 I just got sized correctly for a bra and I wear a effin 36FF

#12 I have been told that I resemble: Ellen Degeneres, Glenn Close, Bette Midler, and Woody Harrelson…really don’t know how to take that…
I guess I would be great for a drag queen show 

#13 I met Michael Jordan years ago and took him out barhopping in Greenville…he drank flipping ZIMA and called me “that crazy white girl”

#14 I just began drinking coffee at 35 and now I have another addiction.

#15 I turn into a black woman when I get intoxicated. REALLY.

#16 I fell off the roof of my apartment and proved that cats do not always land on their feet…broke all the ribs on my right side…hurt very badly.

#17 I burned my forearm really badly carrying two fajita skillets and have the war wound to prove it. 

#18 My family’s surnames include: Pitts, Butts, Cheek, Moon.

#19 I went to a coed No-Smoochie boarding school in the north Georgia mountains and learned to appreciate fresh cabbage and air conditioning. 

#20 I got engaged to the love of my life over a Blimpie’s sub on a Monday afternoon.

#21 I used to flash my boobs every time I went to dance at this gay bar

#22 I used to say that you could look at my hair as the SUPER DOPPLER because it told the weather better than the weatherman.

#23 Speaking of news people, I watch the news constantly and critique all of them, yelling back at the television.

#24 I was a debutante.

#25 Years ago, I tried to drive off with the gas pump still in my car. It had locked, but when i pulled it out, it was still flowing and spewed all over me. Dripping wet, pissed and beginning to burn from gasoline, I went inside to ask for help and the ASSHOLE behind the counter told me it was my fault . I still have not been back to that gas station.