Stupid is as stupid does

Ya know, that last post sucked. I apologize guys…since I have been off the sauce, I suck at this blogging stuff. Please stick with me..only 9 more weeks until I run this race and then the old me will be back. I cannot sleep and I figured after staying up WAY TOO LATE and watching the local news (after the olympics), I had to show you this. These are the stupid idiots that make headlines on the news around here in kackalacka…

 

#1 story

You see these three people?

Everyone, I would like to introduce you to DUM, DUMMER and DUMMEST…these guys don’t deserve the “b” in dumb, they are so stupid. You see, these three had the brilliant idea to break into Hollywild ( it’s like a petting zoo) one night last week and steal a bear cub. Yes, a live bear cub. Guess what these brainiacs did? They took it to the nearby Flying J (that’s a gas station/truck stop) and tried to get people to pay a dollar to pet the damn thing and get their picture made with it. Yes, this was one of the major breaking stories of the day. Wanna hear the best part? They broke in the little zoo for a monkey, but the monkey beat them up, so they “opted” for the bear cub. 

Story #2

This is Michael F. Smith’s mugshot from a few months ago…he is a magistrate judge and got into a bar brawl a few months ago. Well, Michael got into a little more trouble over the weekend. Mr. Smith, above, was driving Saturday night with TWO flat tires and no headlights on…and he was shitfaced. Nice one, your honor! duhhhhhuhhh! Way to stick it to the man!

and story #3

This is Cory…Cory got into a little trouble back in 2005 for having non-consensual sex with a dog. The neighbor witnessed it. I have to give the news anchor credit for being able to get through this story as live, local, breaking news without losing it. Cory was charged with buggery…I believe Better Half and I rewound that story about 30 times in total shock…shock that someone had done that and shock that the local news had reported it (and with a straight face).

Okay, just wanted to share with you some of the idiots in our area that make the news. Happy Friday!

 

never be a quitter

So, I have spoken before on Dewars’ adhd…I mean it is severe…so severe that 50 mg of Adderall Xr doesn’t even help anymore. Back when we began meds, Better Half and I went through a series of parenting sessions where we learned how to deal better with such a bright and strong-willed child. It worked. There were some tears along the way, but these classes changed everyone’s life around here…and for the better.

When I grew up, if I did something wrong (and I know this is hard to believe, but that happened often), immediately something was taken away…and when everything got taken away, my restrictions kept getting added on to. I think I was on restrictions for a whole month one time…I promise you that nothing I did was that bad. It couldn’t be because I WAS ALREADY ON RESTRICTIONS! So, Dewars is like a clone of mine…only way smarter than I ever thought about being…and it didn’t phase him for things to be taken away. He was happy to stay in his room for hours and daydream out the window or read a book. Honestly, he would rather do that than anything. So, the whole “if you don’t do this, then I am not letting you do this” didn’t work. It was like he laughed at us. He would look at us and say “okay”. 

So, anyway, we learned that Dewars (like me) works better off of praise and incentive. He began to have to work for tv, computer, video game time by doing simple chores that had taken hours in the past or not done at all. Dewars would be rewarded with different colored poker chips and in return, he would pay for his time. Things quickly changed. Now, it sounds really easy, but this is really hard to keep up with. You have to stay on top of it or otherwise it turns into my”swear jar”…just add it to my tab. I am telling you that this has worked wonders for our family. Still, he only has a two hour limit on electronics daily, but he works hard now to get those two hours and is quite a pleasure to be around.

Okay, so here is my dilemma…first of all, I mentioned that Dewars and I are just alike…and that I am ADHD, right?!!! Well, I am having issues with my computer. I just bought a laptop and I LOVE IT..but, it is beginning to consume my life. So, I am going to have to put myself on a little timer…and you know what, it makes me feel like i am on a diet…I want to cheat…I want to push the limit…I need to have the willpower, but I don’t.  ARGHHHHHHH…I need to let the facecrack, the blog(S), the emails, the EBAY and ETSY…I need to let it all go…it is just so hard!!! And then I think back to my dear friend JB STEWART and his famous words “my parents told me to never be a quitter…” Maybe I will just cut back…

Broken HOO-HA

***note to readers: this post may make the squeamish cringe…do not read if you are easily grossed out, but this is blog worthy***

Vajayjay…Hoo-hoo…Hoo-ha…downtown…downstairs…whatever you want to call it, mine broke on Tuesday.

I woke up on Tuesday and something down there was just not right. Not to get too graphic, but I was under the impression that I might have grown a tail or something. Immediately I ran to WebMD and typed in vagina falling out…there it was…I was going to have to have my vajayjay removed. I continued to read until my doc’s office opened and I called them.

Dr’s office:” What seems to be the problem?”

Me:” I don’t know, but I just pulled out a mirror and something down there is not right.”

Dr’s office: “Well, do you think you need to come in?”

Me: ‘Uh…yeah…I mean, like, as soon as you guys can see me…my hoo-hoo is falling out“

 

Well, then I turned to the better half to reassure me that all was alright.

Better Half: “Um…please don’t make me look…”

Great, I am over here with my most prized possession and I am getting ready to lose it…and no one even cares! Next I go to BetC’s house for lunch…BetC’s comment was, “maybe you’re growing a penis…if so, you can go on Oprah like that pregnant man…” Thanks, Bets…really, thanks. Here I am possibly growing a penis, a tail or losing my hoo-ha and you are talking about if I can get on Oprah and if you get to come with me and meet her.

So yesterday, I went to the doctor to see what the dealio was. She came into the room and I immediately began to babble uncontrollably. Doc checked out the shitiation and said “I have a really cool name for what this is…” Myrtiform Caruncle - isn’t that cool?”

“UMMMM, noooo, that’s not cool …just break it to me doc…I am growing a penis, aren’t I? “

Doc breaks it to me that it is not a tail, nor the world’s smallest penis, nor is my hoohoo falling out…instead it is remnants of my hymen. WTF? “Hy -who…like the restaurant in charleston?” I asked…”you have got to be kidding…I remember us saying goodbye many years ago…”

Anyway, hooha is much better now…and I am so very thankful to know that I am not growing a penis or a tail. AND that my hoohoo will be around a little longer.

 

 

 

 

doing the ipod shuffle…close to the waffle house shuffle, but then notsomuch

One of my favorite chick bloggers,Christine,had this as her post today…a little game for her readers. What you do is put your ipod on shuffle and answer the questions below by the songs that play…IN ORDER….Don’t cheat…don’t skip any music..and don’t make fun of my answers. Pretty fun, right? 

1. What would describe your personality? : Twice as Hard (Black Crowes) Hmmm…not sure! Maybe I am twice as hard…hard to handle…hard headed…

2. What do you like in a guy/girl? : Brick House (Commodores) hehehe, my husband will laugh when he hears this…

3. How do you feel, today?:SexyBack(Justin Timberlake) As sexy as you can feel and look after 3 kids…

4. What’s your life’s purpose?: Church (Lyle Lovett) Holy cow, is someone above trying to tell me something? I promise to go this Sunday…

5. What is your motto? : Don’t Stop the Music (Rihanna) Shut.it. I like it for running…

6. What do your friends think of you?: Pieces (Rascal Flatts) not sure 
7. What do you think of your parents?:Strange Days (the Doors) there have been some strange days with my parents(MANY)

8. What do you think about very often?:Angel (Jack johnson) Okay, getting freaky over here…I promise I am going to church…both services this Sunday!
9. What do you think of your best friend? : Breathless (corrine Bailey Ray) my husband I’m thinking…OR maybe from just walking up the stairs…if that’s the case, the song should be called “winded”

10. What do you think of the person you like?: LoveStoned(Justin Timberlake) Most definitely…

11. What is your life story?: Catch the Sun (Jamie Cullum) 

12. What do you want to be when you grow up?:LA WOMAN (DOORS) I never knew…hopefully not like Pretty Woman

13. What do you think when you see the person you like?:Little Red Corvette (Prince) Hehe…um, okay???

14. What do your parents think of you? : Waiting in Vain (Bob marley) no. comment. waiting on me at something o’clock in the morning…in vain, maybe?

15. What will be played at your funeral? : Losing keys (jack Johnson) holy cow…I am going to church and never coming home! The story of my life!

16.What is your hobby/interest?: Cookie Jar (Jack Johnson) Shit.Cold Busted again.

17. What is your biggest secret? :Dreamboat Annie (Heart)Maybe I was on a boat with someone named Annie…I HAVE NO FLIPPIN  CLUE! 

18. What do you think of your friends?: One(U2) Maybe how many I have, i don’t know…

19. What should you post this as? : Business Time (Flight of the Conchords) that pretty much sums it up….I guess I better give it up a little more…make it business time on a regular basis…with clean business socks.

Crickets…

Playdates…I have lots of mixed emotions on this topic. Honestly, I never knew they existed until recently. Not too long ago, Grey Goose was invited over to one of his little school buddies’ houses to play. I thought this was great! This would give me a chance to go to the grocery store, mall, run errands…blog - SOMETHING! But no, no, no…this was a playdate for the both of us. I dreaded it…and after the whole 20 questions game and interrogation, it turned out to be fine. The little one’s mommy was just fine and I had sweated it over nothing but my own issues and social anxiety. 

So, this mom and I have become buddies…you know emailing and doing small talk at school when we drop off our kids and stuff. Well, the little boy had a birthday party last weekend and we were in attendance. I was in the middle of a little “hen party” with some other mommies as we were watching our kids play across the yard while knocking back a cold beer when I so classily dropped the loud F*BOMB in my conversation. Once again, ***CRICKETS*** were all I heard. It was as if I had shouted over a loudspeaker with the echoing effect…it is all that was ringing through my brain. Did I really just say that outloud?

Needless to say, we haven’t heard from any of the mommies since the party on Saturday. This should be a great pointer for anyone trying to get out of getting to know new mommies and playdates.