Howdy my readers!

Sorry – I lost my blog in the cyberspace for a few days….I have had to tweak the domain so the blog would reappear. I am the process of learning a new platform and designing it…

unbeweavable

(props to my friend Tonya)

Woman OK After Bullet Ends Up in Her Hair Weave

By The Associated Press

.  

Other than having a bit of a headache, a Kansas City woman was uninjured after a bullet fired at her ended up tangled in her hair weave. Police said the 20-year-old woman was in a convenience store parking lot late Wednesday when a man flagged her down and told her that her ex-boyfriend still loved her.

She replied, “Well I dont love him,” then heard gunshots. She said she looked behind the vehicle and saw her ex-boyfriend firing a handgun at her. She stomped her accelerator and fled, then turned into another parking lot and called police.

She told officers she recently had ended an eight-month relationship with the suspect.

Police arrested the ex-boyfriend and his friend in a car.

when little people go bad

 

I am not sure if this explains my adoration for the show COPS or my phobia for little people….

 

 

and ROUND 2….

 

 

 

Pictures of Octuplets’ Mom

 

octuplets' mom

another mom of octuplets

 

Note to self: try not to get wasted at your friend’s baby shower…

So my neighbor, Alley Cat, is all knocked up and about to birth her third boy….and what better way to celebrate this joyous occasion than for us all to get together on a beautiful Sunday afternoon for a shower. Honestly, it was a great way to justify consuming large quantities of wine on a Sunday afternoon with some lovely young ladies….or was that just how I justified it? With all of my social anxiety, the wine was-a-flowing well before any of the guests arrived – I was just trying to be a little more “relaxed”.  Needless to say, this hostess got buzzy. Fbombs begin flying, way too personal stories are being told to people I have just met, and this “comedian” is trying to get in every picture I can. Awesome. That’s right, I am rocking this party. As one of the hostesses, I have been kidding the mom-to-be that we are going to be playing games with candy bars and diapers. Ever played this one? The candy bars are melted into the diapers and you have to decide what kind of sweet treat it is.  Yeah, can you say nasty? I gave up Butterfingers for a few years after playing that game.

Anyway, I wasn’t as bad as the video below, but I am sure I am in the running for the DRUNKEN HOSTESS WITH THE MOSTEST award. I rock.

 

 

 

25 things you could probably go your whole life without knowing about me

numero uno: I just ran my first half marathon in October. I finished it.I could’ve walked it faster than I ran it. I am a turtle.

number 2: I used to dress up as the bee mascot for our local radio station. That was awesome. it was really hot in the costume, so I just wore underwear…that was, until I got knocked over at a hockey game and showed my ass-literally-to a group of preteen boys that were messing with me. Yeah, after that, the gig was up.

#3: I was chosen at a hockey game to try and win a car at half time by hitting 5 pucks into a net in one minute. Needless to say, I left the game still driving my 1991 shit brown honda accord and a bruised hip.

#4:I am not scared to go out in public in my pajamas. 

#5: I once chose to get a colonic cleanse instead of rewarding myself with an ice cream cone for a big sale I made. I really thought it would help me lose some more weight. Instead, it jarred my system and I had to go through a different kind of “cleanse” 2 weeks later. 

#6: I was knocked out cold by a door hinge at a local bar one night (Woodchuck’s).  You could’ve drawn my chalk outline around me…

#7 You can always gauge how much wine I have had by how purple my teeth are

#8 I can only drink red wine in the winter…but I make up for the summer months during this time–don’t you worry!

#9 Although this may surprise you all, I drive a flipping mini van…enough said..but I am hot driving it

#10 I have stage fright in public bathrooms and when I go on trips.

#11 I just got sized correctly for a bra and I wear a effin 36FF

#12 I have been told that I resemble: Ellen Degeneres, Glenn Close, Bette Midler, and Woody Harrelson…really don’t know how to take that…
I guess I would be great for a drag queen show 

#13 I met Michael Jordan years ago and took him out barhopping in Greenville…he drank flipping ZIMA and called me “that crazy white girl”

#14 I just began drinking coffee at 35 and now I have another addiction.

#15 I turn into a black woman when I get intoxicated. REALLY.

#16 I fell off the roof of my apartment and proved that cats do not always land on their feet…broke all the ribs on my right side…hurt very badly.

#17 I burned my forearm really badly carrying two fajita skillets and have the war wound to prove it. 

#18 My family’s surnames include: Pitts, Butts, Cheek, Moon.

#19 I went to a coed No-Smoochie boarding school in the north Georgia mountains and learned to appreciate fresh cabbage and air conditioning. 

#20 I got engaged to the love of my life over a Blimpie’s sub on a Monday afternoon.

#21 I used to flash my boobs every time I went to dance at this gay bar

#22 I used to say that you could look at my hair as the SUPER DOPPLER because it told the weather better than the weatherman.

#23 Speaking of news people, I watch the news constantly and critique all of them, yelling back at the television.

#24 I was a debutante.

#25 Years ago, I tried to drive off with the gas pump still in my car. It had locked, but when i pulled it out, it was still flowing and spewed all over me. Dripping wet, pissed and beginning to burn from gasoline, I went inside to ask for help and the ASSHOLE behind the counter told me it was my fault . I still have not been back to that gas station.

likker sikkle

 

In South Carolina, a license is not required to ride a moped (open to some interpretation). Also, living in the city, you can ride a moped anywhere (except on highways). Many of the people in the city, who have lost their driver’s licenses due to DUI/OUI, ride mopeds. I like to call them liquor cycles…

There seems to be overabundance of dudes missing teeth with mullets riding mopeds around town these days. I don’t know about you guys, but I, personally,  find them pretty hot. I am especially blown away when these guys ride mopeds and have the tag on the back that reads “MOPED”. “Really? That is a HOT RIDE DUDE…what! WOW! That’s a moped???!!!”  I truly believe that when mopeds were created, they named them Moped to rhyme with doped. And just like someone trying to get fancy shopping at JacquePenne or Targaay decided to make it sound all fancy schmancy and stuff, so they threw a little french on it. Moped (rhyming with doped) makes much better sense, doesn’t it? 

likker sikkel

When I grow up…

                          sorry…I had to post this…got it in an email today with the caption being “when parents don’t check their kid’s homework”

                              

can you hear me now???

So for Christmas, we got Dewars a cell phone. He did not ask for one…was a little pissed when he opened his present from us…and mumbled under his breath a lot that he didn’t understand why we got him a cell phone. You see, if Dewars could have his way, he would like to be completely alone geeking out to video games 27/7. For our own selfish reasons (like hoping he might learn to answer the phone), we bought him one. 

Dewars seemed to begin to like the phone more and more–especially since a few of his buddies got them as presents for Christmas too. I noticed that he was beginning to text message and thought he was maybe beginning to socialize more through the cell phone…that was until this past Wednesday…

 

On Wednesday, we received a phone call from AT&T concerning our bill. Well, how high is our bill you ask? That would be $13, 463.83…Yes, don’t feel like I wrote that incorrectly…I really wrote 13 THOUSAND and some change …and it all is to Dewars’ number. There must be some mistake, you’re thinking…yeah, no Thai girlfriend, no calling China and forgetting to hang up, no 1-900 numbers, NOT EVEN SOFT PORN to justify this bill….OH, AND JUST A SIDE NOTE: HE HAD ONLY USED 28 MINUTES FOR TALK TIME

Dewars had been playing flipping video games all night long EVERY NIGHT that he had downloaded from the internet, STUPID (not even funny) youtube videos and FLIPPING RINGTONES! 13 thousand dollars worth…how do you even begin to punish for that?

I bet you guys think the kid is begging for mercy, right?  That would be a big, fat HELL TO THE NO…he blames us for buying him the phone!!! It is our fault!

I placed Dewars on Ebay yesterday to see if there were any interested and serious buyers…no dice. So, not only are we stuck with THE KID (who won’t be going to college because of his cell phone bill), but we are stuck with paying it. Anyone out there in with someone at AT&T? WE are desperate!

 

DISCLAIMER: I WOULD NEVER SELL ONE OF MY CHILDREN. THIS IS ONLY A JOKE. I MAY GROUND THEM UNTIL THEY ARE 21, BUT I WOULD NEVER SELL THEM…

 

things I am really thankful for…

 

that I am not the poster child for this…

F*uckety F*ck

Here ya go….since I have been holding out on buying some new bras until I lose weight, I only have one bra people. ONE BRA. Not pretty. The whole tata shitiation is already a very touchy subject around here. The “things” are like oranges that you leave at the toe of your christmas stocking and the stockings get all stretched out…to my waist. Yeah…can you say HAWT?

So, I go to buy some bras and the place is called Breakout Bras. I call it BUST OUT BRAS. It’s for the over the shoulder boulder holders. So here I am at 10:02 am with this little girl and me in a really small dressing room with sweat dripping down my face…this stuff makes me a mess. So she checks out my stuff…and comes back with this flourescent HOT PINK bra that could fit on my head (twice). She says this is the only color she has in my size. Hmmmm…”so, what is that magic number?” The girl looks at me and after pulling and stuffing all of my back fat into the front, she says “36 FF…almost a G”. I think I swallowed my tongue…holy cow. That’s double F for f*ckety f*ck or almost G for Good Googly gawd! Jeez…

So, I bought the damn hot ass pank braw…I have the best posture I have had in years and the perkiest tits since middle school. F*CKETY F*CK F*CK F*CK double effin F!

I just sang” you make me feel like a natural woman” to my bra…hollah!

the bitch is baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack

I know…I suck….I mean I really su-huck….it’s been since mid-October since I have posted. I have been in a funk. I have been a little scattered – actually scattered, smothered, covered, chopped, topped, diced and peppered. I am so happy to see 2008 gone…

So – this is just to wet your whistle a little bit…I will return tomorrow with some charming stories to share. 

Oh, and when life gives you lemons…just add vodka

Run Like a Girl

hello from San Francisco! The better half and I arrived last night for my big run and I have to tell you all–I am completely humbled by what I am experiencing! WOW! I am running the Nike Women’s marathon (well, actually, the HALF), but it is AMAZING! What a moving experience. This event is like no other I have heard of…it is an event to benefit the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and together these ladies nationwide helped to raise over 18 MILLION DOLLARS! There are over 20,000 runners in all shapes, sizes and ethnic groups…it is really so very powerful. I began this journey for my own selfish reasons to get the hubs to take me to Cali and wine country–because I am such the whino. But over the course of my training, this has turned into such a passion for me. First of all, I am running in honor of two people that happen to be in the same family of dear sweet friends of mine. Jeff is one of my friend’s husbands, who is in remission and the other is Liam–who is 18 months old–and just yesterday we have learned that his battle is getting ready to end within a month or so. I am so heartbroken for this family and I am so ready to run “like a girl” and help get that much closer to find a cure for these horrible diseases. This is why I am here…not wine country, not shopping, not for alone time away from my kids–BUT for Liam, his family and everyone that has been touched in some way by this horrible disease.

Today, as better half worked in the hotel, I put on my earphones and walked the streets taking in the huge buildings, the fast cars and the awesome stores. I realized that I am making a difference in this world. I realized for one of the first times that I was part of something bigger than my little world. I am pretty emotional today…mostly for my Liam and for this little race I am about to accomplish. 

Please pray for Liam and his family…check out his caringbridge page @ http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/liamfisher

 

Here is a picture of the wall of every woman’s name that is participating in the race at Niketown…all four floors of their store are dedicated to this race…it is so cool!

I found my name!!!!

 

RUN LIKE A GIRL!

will post later…gotta go check out the city…

KAT

http://pages.teamintraining.org/sc/nikesf08/khardaway

 

 

 

little in the middle but she got much back

Create your own FACEinHOLE

Sorry I have been gone for so long…this half marathon training is for the birds! But check out my new hot bod!!! Y’all wish me luck –I am off to San Francisco this Thursday to run my half marathon and then (drumroll, please) I AM OFF TO WINE COUNTRY with my Boo and the blogging madness begins again…

 

nobody puts mommy in the corner

I have had a few weeks of feeling quite melancholy. School is back (finally) in session and well, it is hard to believe that I have a 7th(!) grader. Do you guys remember what you were doing in the 7th grade? Yeah, me too…scary, isn’t it? I bought Neenak (my OLDER step-sister) beer at the beach at 13 years old. My buddy, Chew, tells me to relax and “at least he’s not drinking and smoking like I was”. Gee, thanks …I feel so much better now… High school is right around the corner – Ugh!

So with Dewars approaching puberty any day now, at least I still have Grey Goose and Margarita as babies, right? That’s a big fat N.O. I have 3 of the most independent children there are. Grey Goose has this wonderful adoration for his father – I LOVE IT, but now it has hit its breaking point. Yesterday, I was not allowed to do anything…he asked his dad to do it all – either I didn’t do it correctly or Daddy does it better. Now, I know that this could work to my advantage (especially if I wanted to BLOG or FACEBOOK more), but after a while, give it up…just pacify me and let me do something…nope, ‘daddy will do it’.  We were getting ready to head out to dinner last night when Grey Goose came down with a fever. Immediately everything changed. He only wanted his mommy. I still have a reason to hang out around here…

Any great memories of your 7th grade year? Please do share…I won’t judge…

Important Health Advice For Women

Sorry for the hiatus…school is back in session and we are still getting adjusted around here…I received this as an email today and thought I should pass it on to you all…

  
  
  
Do you have feelings of inadequacy? 
Do you suffer from shyness? 
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? 
  
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or 
pharmacist about White Wine. 
  
White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident 
about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of 
your shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to 
do just about anything. 
  
You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately and with a 
regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you 
from living the life you want to live. 
  
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will 
discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start 
living, with White Wine. White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women 
who are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine. However, women 
who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. 
  
Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, 
erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of 
money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, 
headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play 
all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister. 
  
WARNING: 
  
The consumption of White Wine may make you think you are whispering when 
you are not. 
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
  
WARNING: 
  
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to tell your friends over 
and over again that you love them. 
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
  
WARNING: 
  
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to think you can sing. 
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
  
WARNING: 
  
The consumption of White Wine may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are 
really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. 
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
  
WARNING: 
  
The consumption of White Wine may make you think you can logically 
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. 
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
  
WARNING: 
  
The consumption of White Wine may create the illusion that you are 
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people 
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
  
NOW JUST IMAGINE WHAT YOU COULD ACHIEVE WITH RED WINE!!!

Stupid is as stupid does

Ya know, that last post sucked. I apologize guys…since I have been off the sauce, I suck at this blogging stuff. Please stick with me..only 9 more weeks until I run this race and then the old me will be back. I cannot sleep and I figured after staying up WAY TOO LATE and watching the local news (after the olympics), I had to show you this. These are the stupid idiots that make headlines on the news around here in kackalacka…

 

#1 story

You see these three people?

Everyone, I would like to introduce you to DUM, DUMMER and DUMMEST…these guys don’t deserve the “b” in dumb, they are so stupid. You see, these three had the brilliant idea to break into Hollywild ( it’s like a petting zoo) one night last week and steal a bear cub. Yes, a live bear cub. Guess what these brainiacs did? They took it to the nearby Flying J (that’s a gas station/truck stop) and tried to get people to pay a dollar to pet the damn thing and get their picture made with it. Yes, this was one of the major breaking stories of the day. Wanna hear the best part? They broke in the little zoo for a monkey, but the monkey beat them up, so they “opted” for the bear cub. 

Story #2

This is Michael F. Smith’s mugshot from a few months ago…he is a magistrate judge and got into a bar brawl a few months ago. Well, Michael got into a little more trouble over the weekend. Mr. Smith, above, was driving Saturday night with TWO flat tires and no headlights on…and he was shitfaced. Nice one, your honor! 

and story #3

This is Cory…Cory got into a little trouble back in 2005 for having non-consensual sex with a dog. The neighbor witnessed it. I have to give the news anchor credit for being able to get through this story as live, local, breaking news without losing it. Cory was charged with buggery…I believe Better Half and I rewound that story about 30 times in total shock…shock that someone had done that and shock that the local news had reported it (and with a straight face).

Okay, just wanted to share with you some of the idiots in our area that make the news. Happy Friday!

 

never be a quitter

So, I have spoken before on Dewars’ adhd…I mean it is severe…so severe that 50 mg of Adderall Xr doesn’t even help anymore. Back when we began meds, Better Half and I went through a series of parenting sessions where we learned how to deal better with such a bright and strong-willed child. It worked. There were some tears along the way, but these classes changed everyone’s life around here…and for the better.

When I grew up, if I did something wrong (and I know this is hard to believe, but that happened often), immediately something was taken away…and when everything got taken away, my restrictions kept getting added on to. I think I was on restrictions for a whole month one time…I promise you that nothing I did was that bad. It couldn’t be because I WAS ALREADY ON RESTRICTIONS! So, Dewars is like a clone of mine…only way smarter than I ever thought about being…and it didn’t phase him for things to be taken away. He was happy to stay in his room for hours and daydream out the window or read a book. Honestly, he would rather do that than anything. So, the whole “if you don’t do this, then I am not letting you do this” didn’t work. It was like he laughed at us. He would look at us and say “okay”. 

So, anyway, we learned that Dewars (like me) works better off of praise and incentive. He began to have to work for tv, computer, video game time by doing simple chores that had taken hours in the past or not done at all. Dewars would be rewarded with different colored poker chips and in return, he would pay for his time. Things quickly changed. Now, it sounds really easy, but this is really hard to keep up with. You have to stay on top of it or otherwise it turns into my”swear jar”…just add it to my tab. I am telling you that this has worked wonders for our family. Still, he only has a two hour limit on electronics daily, but he works hard now to get those two hours and is quite a pleasure to be around.

Okay, so here is my dilemma…first of all, I mentioned that Dewars and I are just alike…and that I am ADHD, right?!!! Well, I am having issues with my computer. I just bought a laptop and I LOVE IT..but, it is beginning to consume my life. So, I am going to have to put myself on a little timer…and you know what, it makes me feel like i am on a diet…I want to cheat…I want to push the limit…I need to have the willpower, but I don’t.  ARGHHHHHHH…I need to let the facecrack, the blog(S), the emails, the EBAY and ETSY…I need to let it all go…it is just so hard!!! And then I think back to my dear friend JB STEWART and his famous words “my parents told me to never be a quitter…” Maybe I will just cut back…

Broken HOO-HA

***note to readers: this post may make the squeamish cringe…do not read if you are easily grossed out, but this is blog worthy***

Vajayjay…Hoo-hoo…Hoo-ha…downtown…downstairs…whatever you want to call it, mine broke on Tuesday.

I woke up on Tuesday and something down there was just not right. Not to get too graphic, but I was under the impression that I might have grown a tail or something. Immediately I ran to WebMD and typed in vagina falling out…there it was…I was going to have to have my vajayjay removed. I continued to read until my doc’s office opened and I called them.

Dr’s office:” What seems to be the problem?”

Me:” I don’t know, but I just pulled out a mirror and something down there is not right.”

Dr’s office: “Well, do you think you need to come in?”

Me: ‘Uh…yeah…I mean, like, as soon as you guys can see me…my hoo-hoo is falling out“

 

Well, then I turned to the better half to reassure me that all was alright.

Better Half: “Um…please don’t make me look…”

Great, I am over here with my most prized possession and I am getting ready to lose it…and no one even cares! Next I go to BetC’s house for lunch…BetC’s comment was, “maybe you’re growing a penis…if so, you can go on Oprah like that pregnant man…” Thanks, Bets…really, thanks. Here I am possibly growing a penis, a tail or losing my hoo-ha and you are talking about if I can get on Oprah and if you get to come with me and meet her.

So yesterday, I went to the doctor to see what the dealio was. She came into the room and I immediately began to babble uncontrollably. Doc checked out the shitiation and said “I have a really cool name for what this is…” Myrtiform Caruncle – isn’t that cool?”

“UMMMM, noooo, that’s not cool …just break it to me doc…I am growing a penis, aren’t I? “

Doc breaks it to me that it is not a tail, nor the world’s smallest penis, nor is my hoohoo falling out…instead it is remnants of my hymen. WTF? “Hy -who…like the restaurant in charleston?” I asked…”you have got to be kidding…I remember us saying goodbye many years ago…”

Anyway, hooha is much better now…and I am so very thankful to know that I am not growing a penis or a tail. AND that my hoohoo will be around a little longer.

 

 

 

 

doing the ipod shuffle…close to the waffle house shuffle, but then notsomuch

One of my favorite chick bloggers,Christine,had this as her post today…a little game for her readers. What you do is put your ipod on shuffle and answer the questions below by the songs that play…IN ORDER….Don’t cheat…don’t skip any music..and don’t make fun of my answers. Pretty fun, right? 

1. What would describe your personality? : Twice as Hard (Black Crowes) Hmmm…not sure! Maybe I am twice as hard…hard to handle…hard headed…

2. What do you like in a guy/girl? : Brick House (Commodores) hehehe, my husband will laugh when he hears this…

3. How do you feel, today?:SexyBack(Justin Timberlake) As sexy as you can feel and look after 3 kids…

4. What’s your life’s purpose?: Church (Lyle Lovett) Holy cow, is someone above trying to tell me something? I promise to go this Sunday…

5. What is your motto? : Don’t Stop the Music (Rihanna) Shut.it. I like it for running…

6. What do your friends think of you?: Pieces (Rascal Flatts) not sure 
7. What do you think of your parents?:Strange Days (the Doors) there have been some strange days with my parents(MANY)

8. What do you think about very often?:Angel (Jack johnson) Okay, getting freaky over here…I promise I am going to church…both services this Sunday!
9. What do you think of your best friend? : Breathless (corrine Bailey Ray) my husband I’m thinking…OR maybe from just walking up the stairs…if that’s the case, the song should be called “winded”

10. What do you think of the person you like?: LoveStoned(Justin Timberlake) Most definitely…

11. What is your life story?: Catch the Sun (Jamie Cullum) 

12. What do you want to be when you grow up?:LA WOMAN (DOORS) I never knew…hopefully not like Pretty Woman

13. What do you think when you see the person you like?:Little Red Corvette (Prince) Hehe…um, okay???

14. What do your parents think of you? : Waiting in Vain (Bob marley) no. comment. waiting on me at something o’clock in the morning…in vain, maybe?

15. What will be played at your funeral? : Losing keys (jack Johnson) holy cow…I am going to church and never coming home! The story of my life!

16.What is your hobby/interest?: Cookie Jar (Jack Johnson) Shit.Cold Busted again.

17. What is your biggest secret? reamboat Annie (Heart)Maybe I was on a boat with someone named Annie…I HAVE NO FLIPPIN  CLUE! 

18. What do you think of your friends?: One(U2) Maybe how many I have, i don’t know…

19. What should you post this as? : Business Time (Flight of the Conchords) that pretty much sums it up….I guess I better give it up a little more…make it business time on a regular basis…with clean business socks.

Crickets…

Playdates…I have lots of mixed emotions on this topic. Honestly, I never knew they existed until recently. Not too long ago, Grey Goose was invited over to one of his little school buddies’ houses to play. I thought this was great! This would give me a chance to go to the grocery store, mall, run errands…blog – SOMETHING! But no, no, no…this was a playdate for the both of us. I dreaded it…and after the whole 20 questions game and interrogation, it turned out to be fine. The little one’s mommy was just fine and I had sweated it over nothing but my own issues and social anxiety. 

So, this mom and I have become buddies…you know emailing and doing small talk at school when we drop off our kids and stuff. Well, the little boy had a birthday party last weekend and we were in attendance. I was in the middle of a little “hen party” with some other mommies as we were watching our kids play across the yard while knocking back a cold beer when I so classily dropped the loud F*BOMB in my conversation. Once again, ***CRICKETS*** were all I heard. It was as if I had shouted over a loudspeaker with the echoing effect…it is all that was ringing through my brain. Did I really just say that outloud?

Needless to say, we haven’t heard from any of the mommies since the party on Saturday. This should be a great pointer for anyone trying to get out of getting to know new mommies and playdates.

GET SOME NUTS

I have many great happy friends…I may have been called a faghag in my day, and still, gay people are fine in my book. There were times that I had more gay friends than straight.  There are many other issues that I can freak out about, but gay people don’t bother me in the least little bit. I don’t care what people do in their bedroom(or wherever)…They are still human beings, y’all…This is my personal opinion and most of the time, they dress way better than me, the slumpadump.

BUT…Pflag made a big ol’ sting last week about the newest Snickers commercials with Mr.T, so they have been pulled from the air. I don’t know anyone heterosexual or homosexual that these would offend. Personally, I pity the fool that finds this offensive.

 

Facebook Anonymous

Hi,my name is Klassy (with a K) and I am an addict. I have spent the last 6 weeks addicted to Facebook. It started off so innocent and sweet – with confirming a friend here and there and now, I crave it. So badly I downloaded the mobile version for my crackberry.  So badly, I stay up late at night after everyone is sleeping and bring my laptop to bed-just in case there are new victims. So badly, that now, I go offline when I am on FB so no one knows that I am on as much as I am. So badly, that my time with friends is spent convincing/begging them to join the fun. I am a FaceBook pusher. I am a junkie. And those that don’t confirm me as a friend…it truly bothers me. I take it personally (not naming any names, but CME..you know who you are). I will continue to ask you to be my friend until you cave. but for those that are my friends on the facecrack, I say “YOU LIKE ME…YOU REALLY LIKE ME”…in my best Sally Field voice. 

The 12 step program is coming soon…

 

After I wrote this, I googled Facebook Anonymous and found this youtube video…

BLACK KING DONG

So, yeah, I survived the 20-something’s bachelorette party in the ATH…better than that, Athens and the 20-somethings survived/tolerated me. 
I was in charge of picking out the veil and accessories for the big extravaganza…this was a little difficult for me a)I never have been to one of these things and b)when I used to tend bar, the sight of one of those bachelorette parties literally made me sick. So I went shopping for the silliest/classiest(not)/obnoxious type veils that she would actually wear. I saw some really bad ones…and then on my last stop to the local exoticwear store and found it – a white veil with blinking neon penises all over it. Perfect for my future sister-in-law!! I asked the lady at the store if she had any recommendations for any other gag gifts…she then led me to the other side. The dark side.This lady took me over to a large wall of things…things that made me hurt and keep my legs tightly closed to look at. She picked out this huge black thing that looked similar to a thick baseball bat and said “this is a really popular bachelorette item”.  I think the look on my face said it all as I read it outloud… “BLACK KING DONG“. EW. Ouch…ewew!

No thank you…I think I will just stick with my neon flashing penises, penis straws and the shiny bling ding-a-ling that went around her neck.

That’s Mrs. Vagina Pants to you little boy

So yeah, there are 3 kids home with me this summer -ages 12, 3 and 8 months. It is wild around here most of the time…Dewars is antagonizing Grey Goose and Grey Goose is tackling Margarita, but for the most part it’s pretty tolerable. I really haven’t had to put myself in time out THAT often, but it’s really a nice break when nothing else works. Then Grey Goose is crying and screaming under my door…”no Mommy..no! I don’t want you to go to time out”…he cannot handle it.

So a few weeks ago, I told you guys the discussion about how funny my boobies are to my 3 year old. Now I am reminiscing about the first time Dewars let on that he was aware of the whole birds and the bees thing – he was 5. You see, Dewars reads encyclopedias, dictionaries, thesauruses…anything he can get his hands on. He reads the book that came with the (HAWT) minivan!

Here’s how it went down:

Klassy: I was thinking that I might come and have lunch with you tomorrow.

Dewars: Okay, that sounds good.

Better Half: Can I come too?

Dewars: Ummm, i don’t know…i guess so. As long as you don’t start doing stuff…

Better Half: Like what?

Dewars: Like hugging and kissing….you know….and shoving your sperm into my mom’s egg sac...

Not to worry, Dewars, not to worry…especially not during lunch hour at your elementary school

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A few days ago, I called my neighbor and her two sweet dear precious angels answered the phone. They were laughing and the older one was telling the younger one what to say. I was being called things like poopoo head and booger face and then the older one said “call her vagina pants”…and he did and again and again – only it turned out being more like “bergyner pantz”. So finally they hung up and I called back to have them answer again…and I said LET ME SPEAK TO YOUR MAMA RIGHT NOW in my meanest mommy dearest voice…and then they received their mama’s wrath…because she wears the vagina pants in that family!